When the Bedroom Becomes the Battlefield: A Response to One Pastor’s Sermon on ‘Biblical Sex

What happens when consent is replaced with covenant and sermons feel more like ultimatums than invitations.

There’s something deeply unsettling about sitting through a sermon that sounds more like locker room banter than spiritual guidance, especially when it’s about sex. Before I get into it, let me say this: I’m intentionally not naming the church or the pastor in question. Not because I’m being vague or indirect, but because I’ve seen what happens when you do. Churches like this tend to treat public critique as validation, confirmation that they're being "persecuted for preaching the truth." The attention only fuels their sense of righteousness. I’m not interested in feeding that narrative. This isn’t about platforming them. It’s about exposing a pattern of theology and tone that shows up in far too many pulpits.

The sermon, based on 1 Corinthians 7:1–5, wasn’t just uncomfortable, it was dangerous. Not because it was explicit, but because it cloaked coercion, male dominance, and spiritual manipulation in the language of "God’s design."

The Dude Bro Gospel

The sermon is delivered by a pastor who sounds more like a men’s conference MC than a shepherd of souls. He jokes about “reporting for duty,” reading husbands' names from the pulpit for failing their wives, and monitoring his wife's haircuts like a general checking his troops. There’s a stream of innuendo and punchlines, as if the sacred intimacy of marriage is just another locker room story with a Bible verse tacked on.

But underneath the humor is a rigid worldview: men lead, women submit. Sex is not a mutual act of love but a duty to be performed. If your wife withholds sex? She's in sin. If a husband withholds it? He's spiritually negligent. And if either of you has trauma, pain, or needs space? That’s treated more like an obstacle to be overcome than a story to be honored.

The Weight We Were Never Meant to Carry

Here’s what keeps striking me: for all the talk about sex being “God’s good gift,” sermons like this turn it into a burden. Suddenly, your entire spiritual health is hanging on whether or not you're having enough sex, good enough sex, obedient enough sex. The pressure is relentless, and it’s placed squarely on individuals rather than the system that’s creating the shame.

What happens to a marriage when sex isn’t frequent or “free-flowing”? According to this preacher, everything else falls apart. So now, the stakes are cosmic. Your bedroom becomes the battleground not just for intimacy, but for Satan, spiritual warfare, your marriage’s survival, and your worth as a man or woman.

That’s not sacred. That’s suffocating.

And what’s worse is this: the pressure to perform sexually is framed as “God’s command,” so if you struggle or feel disconnected, you’re not just letting your partner down, you’re disobeying God. What an unbearable load. What a manipulative twist on something meant to be mutual and freeing.

So let’s be honest: if sex becomes a duty, a metric, or a measuring stick of your godliness, it stops being a gift. And it stops being holy.

Let’s Talk About Consent (Because Apparently They Won’t)

One of the most chilling parts of the sermon is the long list of what the pastor called “illegitimate reasons” a spouse might have for withholding sex. According to him, the only valid reason is a mutually agreed-upon break for prayer, and even that must have a firm end date.

Here’s a sampling of reasons he dismissed as not good enough:

• Being tired

• Stress from parenting or work

• Insecurity about your body

• Past sexual abuse

• Feeling emotionally disconnected

• Not having a lock on the bedroom door

• Needing time or space to feel safe

• Lack of enjoyment or sexual fulfillment

• Not feeling appreciated

• Wanting your spouse to “earn it”

• Using sex as leverage in a disagreement

• Ongoing hurt from past betrayal

• Lingering resentment

• Needing more non-sexual connection

Let me be clear: this is not biblical teaching. This is coercion. This is a warped, one-sided view of covenant that strips sex of its consent and intimacy and replaces it with obligation and duty. It’s the kind of message that leaves countless people, especially women feeling like their bodies aren’t their own.

Because in this theology, they aren’t.

Hyper-Masculinity in the Pulpit

This church hosts events themed around reclaiming “true manhood” and building “stronger men.” The sermon was dripping with this ideology: men must lead, dominate, and “draw their wives out” sexually, even if it means confronting what he called a “Jezebelian spirit.” It’s framed as leadership, but it smells like control.

This is spiritualized patriarchy. It’s the performance of strength, not the practice of love. It prioritizes control over compassion. And it reinforces a culture where emotional intimacy is optional but physical compliance is non-negotiable.

Covenant ≠ Control

The preacher repeatedly says “this isn’t a contract, it’s a covenant.” But if your understanding of covenant erases consent, punishes boundaries, or demands obedience without conversation then it’s not covenant at all. It's control with a Bible verse stapled to it.

True covenant, biblical covenant is built on mutuality, safety, humility, and grace. It is not about who “owns” whose body. It’s about offering your body, soul, and presence to someone who honors it. Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7 were revolutionary not because they endorsed frequent sex, but because they demanded mutuality in a culture where only men had rights.

This version twists Paul into something Paul would have condemned.

What We Actually Need

What we actually need, what so many of us are craving isn’t more sermons that pile on pressure. It’s not more men from pulpits telling women what they owe, how they should behave, or what qualifies as “legitimate” sexual intimacy.

What we need is conversation, not command.
Curiosity, not control.
Safety, not shame.

We need more spaces where couples, and where people, kids, whoever can talk honestly about what’s hard, what hurts, what’s been lost, and what they hope for. We need space for nuance, for laughter, for awkwardness, for slowness, for healing. Not ultimatums. Not duty disguised as love. Not theological mansplaining about how a woman should offer her body.

Honestly? We need fewer men telling women how to be sexual and more communities helping people learn how to be safe with themselves and with each other.

Because without safety, there is no intimacy.
Without freedom, there is no love.
And without consent, it’s not sex, it’s something else entirely.

For the People Still Sitting in These Rooms

If you’re someone who heard that sermon and felt unseen or unsafe, I want to say this: you’re not crazy. You’re not broken. And you are not obligated to give yourself in any way that dishonors your story, your safety, or your soul.

Healthy marriage isn’t fueled by duty. It’s fueled by connection. The God I know doesn’t use Scripture to shame people into submission. He meets people where they are, sits with their pain, and walks with them toward healing.

If your church is preaching sex as spiritual performance, maybe the problem isn’t you, it’s the pulpit.